How to strengthen your "no" muscle

The other day I had a visceral experience of why people pleasing is so hard to overcome.

I live on a mountain that requires a steep uphill drive. My engine has been having problems and wasn’t accelerating beyond 40km/hr (20 below the limit). As I made the ascent to my house, I saw the line of cars behind me getting longer. 

I felt myself getting hot, uneasy, my anxiety rising as I pressed my foot harder on the gas pedal. Nothing. I thought: “they probably think I’m a grandma, they’re getting annoyed and angry - this SUCKS”. 

Then it hit me. THIS is the emotion we’re avoiding when we say yes to things we don’t want to do, and when we prioritize the needs of others at the expense of ours.

In order to NOT feel this way, we live our lives seeking acceptance and validation and paying more attention to what other people want than what we want.

Like many of my clients, getting out of the habit of people-pleasing is something I’m working on. People-pleasing gets in the way of living a fully authentic, honest and aligned life. It creates resentment and frustration as we overcommit ourselves, dismiss our own needs and desires and act out of integrity with our truth.

After that moment of awareness, I decided to surrender to the fact that my car wasn’t going to go any faster. And instead of being so worried about what the people in the line of cars behind me were thinking, I started taking deep breaths. I told myself,“I can handle this, It’s ok”. To stop people-pleasing, I can allow myself to be uncomfortable in this moment.

Are you a people-pleaser?

If so, you’re not alone. Being “liked” is hardwired into our DNA. We people-please as a way to avoid the uncomfortable feelings we experience when we say “no”, or say or do something that others might not like.

But people-pleasing is straight up manipulation. We try to control the opinions of others by doing or saying what we think they want to hear.

Learning how to say “no” is an essential life skill that creates MORE connection in our relationships, not less. When we’re being completely honest, even if it’s not exactly what the other person wants to hear, at least we can feel good that we’re speaking our truth.  

Here’s 5 quick tips for strengthening your “no” muscle.

Get comfortable being uncomfortable. Saying “no” requires you to allow all your anxiety and fear to rise to the surface for the few seconds it takes to share how you REALLY feel. Verses the weeks or months you’ll endure when you get roped into doing something you'll later regret.

Change the narrative. Those feelings (anxiety, fear, nervousness), they’re all coming from your thoughts: “They’ll be mad at me; they’ll think I’m selfish; they won’t think I’m a nice person”. You can simply decide that “no” is the greatest act of love for yourself AND them and feel better about it.

Get to the truth. The irony of people-pleasing? You’re so afraid that they'll be mad or disappointed, but YOU are being mad and disappointed with yourself AND them for getting yourself into a situation you’ll seethe about for days or weeks!

Stop trying to control others. People-pleasing is an attempt to control other people’s thoughts and feelings. Which, unfortunately, is impossible. You can only control YOUR thoughts and feelings which is where all your effort should go. Would YOU really want other people to try to control you? Didn’t think so.

Clarify what YOU want. It’s way easier to act in alignment with YOUR values and goals when you’re crystal clear on what they are. Figure out how you want to spend your time, what’s most important and what you’re working towards. Then be willing to be uncomfortable as you make the daily choices that will lead you there.